Grief & Never Having it So Good

On a particular day in April, my long commute was going to be an even longer one as I had to make my way from LAX through downtown to East LA and then back to the West end of the Valley. I’ve found that these long drives have been particularly cruel because it’s time alone to think. Every thought can visit you on a very long drive and LA is known for its traffic. I buckled in literally and figuratively that day.

I was emotional for no other reason than I was post-partum and feeling reflective. Like most days, I called my Dad on my drive. During our conversation, not sure how, but the conversation turned to my Mom.

“I just can’t imagine saying to goodbye to my baby and I think sometimes how incredible it must have been for my Mother to have to say goodbye to me,” I said.

“It was heartbreaking.” said my Dad with his voice cracking. “All she ever wanted was a baby.” We both started crying. The streets of K-town crawled past me as I drove and I sobbed openly not caring if any other driver saw. I was already hooked into my breast pump with the car adapter so I had already surrendered to a certain amount of vulnerability at the start of my drive.

Since the first time I woke up in the middle of the night and sat alone nursing and looking down at my son, I’ve thought the same thought again and again. The way I look at him, is the way my Mother looked at me.

The thought takes my breath away. I just can’t imagine saying goodbye. I just can’t and I hate that my Mother had to face that. I wish I could reach back through time and comfort her.

One thing that I’ve realized is that there is so much solidarity in Motherhood. SO many mothers experience similar challenges and milestones and ups and downs. In that way I feel like whatever I’m journeying through as a Mom, my own Mother MUST have gone through it as well. Thinking about that makes me feel oddly close to her, though I’ve never really known her. I take comfort in that — so much comfort in that the grief is a part of the gift of my Motherhood. My grief is evolving along with my experience as a Mom. I look down at my son and I see my eyes that he inherited and I know I must have looked at my Mom the way he looks at me; with wonder and curiosity and happiness and I am so comforted that in the short time we had together I know I made her so happy, the way my son makes me so very happy. These are things about her I never understood until now. I feel that for the first time I truly have a relationship with her in some way and though I’m grieving like hell, I’ve never ever been happier or more grateful for all of it every day. Happy Mother’s Day to my Mom today and every day – thank you for making my life so very good.

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10 Comments

  • Cathy May 12, 2019 at 4:42 pm Reply

    Your mother wanted you and everything best for you. She loves you still with every piece of her being. She chose you over her own life. We know this for sure. I am grateful for you as your ā€œ one half sister.ā€ Lil is with you always.

    • Juliet Plante May 12, 2019 at 8:47 pm Reply

      Thank you Sis. XO

  • Beth May 13, 2019 at 6:48 pm Reply

    Thank you for sharing your story. Beautiful šŸ’—

    • Juliet Plante May 14, 2019 at 9:45 pm Reply

      Thanks Beth. I appreciate you reading and sharing with me.

  • Tammy May 13, 2019 at 8:17 pm Reply

    Gut wrenching and beautiful Jules

    • Juliet Plante May 14, 2019 at 9:45 pm Reply

      Thank you Tammy. Thank you for reading.

  • Ariel May 14, 2019 at 10:15 am Reply

    This is so beautiful, Juliet! I’m glad you can feel so much connection in your sorrow and in your joy.

    • Juliet Plante May 14, 2019 at 9:44 pm Reply

      Thank YOU for always being open to the sad as much as the happy when I need to talk to another Mama. xo

  • Janet Peeters May 14, 2019 at 3:02 pm Reply

    Thank you for being so open and for sharing your feelings. How I wish your mum is still here to see how happy you are. You have a beautiful family now and you are loved by so many ā¤ļø
    Iā€™m always here for you.

    • Juliet Plante May 14, 2019 at 9:47 pm Reply

      Thank you Janet. It means so much to me that you and your family are in my life and we can forever share the memory of my Mom. I’m so glad for you. XO

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